


Welcome to Literal Hell:Thedas Edition

by Seo81



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Author loves to chat in the Comments, F/F, F/M, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Mentorship, Modern Boy in Thedas, Modern Character in Thedas, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, angry boi ahead, basically bakugo in thedas, with endeavor flames
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-07-24 09:20:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16172189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seo81/pseuds/Seo81
Summary: I'd probably fuck off back to the coast I landed in if it weren't for the fact that Cassandra would send Leliana. Who would kill me with a smile on her pretty squinty face. Luckily an egg-like elf and a sad lion are there to make life bearable.Or: mcit where the person just wants to fuck off back to a location with chocolate, wifi, and a guaranteed college education.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *breathes in deeply*
> 
> meep.

Day 1 (or something like that)

Don’t know how, but I was sleeping until I wasn’t. Ended up in some coast—like area-sort of like NE America Great Lakes-area in the winter, or the Atlantic any time the weather is bad to make a comparison. Cliffs everywhere but you can climb to the bottom of the sea cliffs to find a sandbar that gets covered in high tide. Landed with my school bag so I’m set on stationary and writing utensils so I’m writing for something to do.

 

Currently in a sea-cave or something, but I’ll have to wait and see before I stay here for the night in case it floods. I can safely say that I’m disassociating hard rn, but I’ll crash when I can say I have food and shelter.

 

Update: I found the remnants of yesterday’s lunch after the tide soaked the bottom of the bag. The trees here aren’t good for shelter and it’s getting colder. I have no fire starters and it’s getting colder. If anyone finds this after I’m dead, my name is Elias.

 

Day 2

I survived, but I’m so cold. Huddled under a dilapidated hut after walking for roughly half a mile inland. There’s a leathery dead-body there but I can’t be bothered. Too hungry. Good news is that the hearth is still surrounded by stones so I’m not in danger of burning to death should I actually get a fire started. I now have a dull knife and the remnants of metal armor that I can probably use as a basket. Breakfast was a handful of what I recognized as Shepard’s purse and clover. Something that looks like hemlock probably means that there’s a freshwater source nearby, so I’m heading there and then back to the coast to get something to eat.

 

Update: Spiders here are fucking scary. They spit stuff and are huge compared to those at home. I know that tarantulas are the size of dinner plates, but I’m pretty sure they aren’t supposed to be that large or move that quickly. I can’t be dreaming because I feel hungry, but I’m hoping that this is just some sick lab-simulation that someone will eventually end. Other than that, Raw salt-water mussels found in the shallows of the coastline under rock overhangs go don’t uneasily on an empty stomach. I now have a food that I can access pretty easily as long as I don’t exhaust the source here. I hope I don’t have parasites.

 

Day 3

I don’t know what’s going on. I dreamt of my room and heard voices asking me if I wanted to go back. I didn’t really listen because it seemed like the start of some horror story. I miss home.

 

Update: So a spider lunged at me and I set it on fire somehow. I’m going to be thankful now and then probably proceed to freak the fuck out when I actually have the damn time. If this is some sort of sick joke, it’s gone too far. What’s been done to me?

 

Update: Finished freaking the fuck out and tried gathering some of the nearby scraggly wood outside to light up the hearth, and never has pine-needle tea with roast fish tasted so good. Who knows, maybe I’m becoming the damn avatar. I’ll see when I’m not straining my eyes more. Looking towards creating a soft light source or just finding a way to magically install a backlight on my notebook. Magic’s bullshit and all that after all.

 

Day 4

Fuck that, I’m Azula. Lightening. LIGHTENInG. I just fried some spiders. It’s a good day when they’re dead. My mood’s pretty swell for someone lost in the woods, but that may have been because I found edible seaweed and caught my first decent sized fish! Would be better with more herbs, but salt is pretty good, especially when boiling in a piece of dead person’s armor. Night has been better since I got the fire running. I’m going to down some of the trees with full boughs to cover up the hole in the roof that’s dripping water into the fire-it sizzles and the smoke is going to suffocate me otherwise. I think I accidentally killed a small freshwater ecosystem trying to get the trout because I threw a lightning bolt at it in frustration. I now have a bunch of fish that I don’t know what to do with and don’t want to waste. ON another note, plenty of abalone on the beach-a bit chewy but very savory and tasty.

 

Day 5

Made jerky out of the fish with pine wood so pine wood fish jerky. Or was it spruce?. Either way, my clothes smell terrible. The stink is real and my BO isn’t any better. The water is pretty cold so I’m not looking forward to washing up. Might want to Magic BS my way to cleanliness before my teeth grow fuzz over them from not brushing-though what I wouldn’t do for a bar of chocolate right now. Still no signs of civilization other than the broken down hut within a 2-mile radius around here. I haven’t spoken to or heard another soul in nearly week at this point. When I said I wanted peace and quiet before college, this really isn’t what I meant. Traveling inland today because I have a bit of fish stew left over and a shit ton of fish jerky hanging from the rafters that I’m pretty sure will keep unless some animal sneaks in. I still don’t know whether there are bears or not because I’ve read that you aren’t supposed to leave food within a mile radius of where you think bears live but oh well. I won’t fight it because I’d be dead.

 

Update: Why did I do it? I’m a damn fool. What do you do when you see a bear trying to shove it’s way past the entrance of your living space? Attack it. Why not. You’re so smart Elias, genius, really. It turns out they’re pretty weak to fire. Most fleshy things are. I nearly burnt the shack down but I’m pretty sure the blast of fire to the face it took killed it. I now have roughly 800 pounds of bear in my home and only a dull knife to process it. Fun. More jerky on the way.

 

Day 6

I’m such a fuck up. I want bread. I want rice. I want noodles, I want any sort of carb that isn’t here right now. I tore into the bear’s liver raw because cooked liver is disgusting and I haven’t had any citrus in a week, and fish livers are sort of shady. I hate this place. I’m a fuck up for landing here. Why. Why. Why why why. I never asked to be here. I’d never thought I’d see the day where I willingly went through my math and bio textbooks for fun. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

 

Update: Well there’s the blow-up. Fuck this I can’t die. I may be an actual shit log but I can’t die before applying to college. Fuck that. I gotta a bearskin cloak now that’s pretty great (the scraping process literally stunk but thank fuck for magic hax). Fish jerky and bear jerky are now underground in shallow store-room now because I can’t deal with another fucking bear. The cloak’s gonna be great for the nights when the fire accidentally goes out and I don’t have enough wood.

 

Day 7

Contact with people in the first week since I’ve been here. Unfriendly. Look medical. Wounded pretty badly-wrist and ankle. Made splint. Going to get help. If I die here, my name is Elias Hu and I was not originally from this world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Update: “Tell me why we shouldn’t kill you now”

 

 

 


	2. Wake up and smell the soot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wild Bakugo!Elias appeared!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMAO this is turning more and more into something like if Bakugo from BNHA got shunted into the DAI verse. I just tried to think about what would happen if a character that responds to almost everything with anger would respond to being in this and it turned into Bakugo. Figures. 
> 
> Also I'm literally crying TheOneKrafter read my shit and bookmarked it and I am honestly so I can't even ahhhhhhh.
> 
> So yeah, enjoy.

“Tell me why we shouldn’t kill you now.”

 

Buggering fuck.

I’m out of breath because some shitty-ass soldiers kicked me (woohoo internal damage) and my wrist and ankle are burning for different reasons now. Namely the shitty glowing green mark on my hand. The fucking thing sparks, what’s next? Pigeons?

 

“The conclave is destroyed. Everyone who attended is dead. Except for you”

A bomb buff-looking lady paces around me while some red-headed lady remains infant of me, eyes narrowing her eyes even further when I shift from the kneeling position that I woke up from into a sitting position with my legs crossed. If I’m dying, I’m dying comfortably. The lady’s still pacing around like she’s expecting me to say something but fuck that.

 

You see kids, trying the first building that you see for humanitarian aid is great and all until you have a blanked out area of memory and end up in a shitty medieval jail cell with people yelling at you. It’s like a sports camp but worse. She grabs my hand and I’m pretty sure it feels like having my hand slapped red and then scrubbed with sandpaper. I don’t know how she expects me to respond when I’m being shaken like a rag doll.

“Explain this!”

Fucking hell lady, calm the fuck down.

 

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW LET ME THE FUCK DOWN.” She slaps me. She fucking slaps me so hard that I can feel my teeth shake from the jolt and the scrape of her metal gauntlets ripping micro tears on the skin of my face.

“What do you mean you don’t know’!”

 

I bare my teeth, eyes watering and chains clinking. Her face is getting redder. If that lady’s going to kill me, I can probably blast her face off or set this entire shitty prison on fire but the squinty looking redhead in the back is going to be a problem, especially with the way that she’s eying me.

 

“SPEAK!”, she snarls. I snarl back wordlessly in response and flip her the bird.

My nonverbal response pisses her off to the point where I think my shoulders are going to actively dislocate because she’s shaking me so hard. I could probably piss her off even more by making a moronic yodeling sound but she’s practically frothing. Through my shaky vision, Redhead starts pacing around me as well. Great. No way out. 

“Stop. We need him, Cassandra.”

 

Squinty redhead stops miss I-need-chill-pill from shaking me by reminding her that I’m essential to stopping some sort of “rift” in the sky. Cassandra rearranges her grip on the front of my shirt for a second before throwing me down to the ground with a disgusted huff. Then miss murder with a French accent steps up to me and holy shit is she absolutely terrifying. My sneer isn’t quite enough to snuff out my fear and both she and I know that. On the other hand, Cassandra is a lovely name for lovely women other than this brute of a bear-like woman in front of me and holy-shit-she-got-closer-.

Being in front of her is honestly sort of like slowly backing towards the edge of a cliff with someone that you don’t know coming up behind you. You don’t know IF they’re going to push you off, but that uneasiness and the sweet smile make you think that they wouldn’t regret it if your soggy corpse washed up to shore months later.

“Do you remember what happened? How this began?”

Shrugging is all I can do to not spit at her face and get ganked. It’s not like it’s possible to piss them off any more humanely than they already are but I do, surprisingly enough, have some sort of self-preservation

“I was looking for healing. Some shitty ass people got me badly. The spiders and some glowy old women thingy were what I found instead.”

The two share a look and I’m neither reassured or threatened by their nonverbal communication.

Cassandra winds her hand into the hair on my scalp before yanking upwards, causing me to yelp as I stagger upwards to stop any more hair loss 

“Jesus fucking shitty ass christ lady stop it!” Those metal points fucking dig into my scalp and I can feel liquid start to pool from the top of my head. I need to magic my hair after this to get the blood out of it after Cassandra yanked several pieces straight from my head provided I’m still alive. Fucking hell.

“Who is this… Jesus?”

“IDGAF fuck off Just let me be! I’ll fuck off with me and my glow stick hand to the coast and I’ll never have to see your fucking shitty mug again!”

I can see Cassandra redden once more, hand rearing back to ready for a slap and I can already feel the incoming pain when the ground quakes and the entire complex above starts shaking.

The ground rumbles once more and both of the women look worriedly towards the door, heads swiveling to face me, and then each other.

“There is no time. Go to the forwards camp, Leliana.-“ Oh so red-and-squinty is a Leliana is she? “- I will take the brat to the rift.”

Well fuck if that doesn’t sound ominous. What’s she gonna do? Sacrifice me to some angry “rift” god? Red leaves in a hurry and C-ASS-andra finally deans to remove my jangly metal cuffs with sharp snaps of her thumbs. She hoists me up like a potato sack when I refuse to get up myself and carries me out the door, my weak-ass punches against her back and metal-plated butt notwithstanding. Wiggling to my left gets me a slight peek of what I can’t see in front of Cassandra but I regret it. Ignorance is fucking bliss.

“Lemme go lemme go lemme go-HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT?”

“We call it ‘the Breach’ It’s a massive rift into the world of demons that grows with each passing hour.”

 Cassandra walks towards the breach, face impassive and passive bitch-face ever present, flipping me so I can get a view of something other than her ass. My squirming seems to annoy her to the point where she dumps me on the ground with a disgusted noise.

“FUCKING SHITTING FUCK HOLY SHIT OW!” 

It’s like someone took a sledgehammer to my hand and threw some rubbing alcohol on the remains. The weird-ass glowy thingy sparks wildly and lightly slapping my hand against my thigh does nothing to distract from the pain.

“Shiiiii-“ Cassandra intervenes before I can go on another cursing rant.

“The mark will continue to grow as the rift grows larger until it kills you. We have reason to believe you have the ability to close the rift. You are going to close it or dying trying or I will slay you where you stand.”

.

.

.

Day 15

It’s been 3 days since I woke up according to a serving girl. They took my clothes and bag but I got them back after caused enough shit. The fabric here is coarse and scratchy. She has weird ears but evidently, there are species other than humans here. ~~I can’t even~~. My hand hurts like it just has bad carpal tunnel so that’s better now , but I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I’m not safe if that dick-bitt Roddick (or was it Roderick? Rorderick?) is rallying for my head. He’s lucky I haven’t burnt his corpse into a pretty char. 

Evidently, that’s all I’m good for. Fire. ~~It’s fitting because I’m going to burn everything and everyone in this shitty fucking ass-end of a town starting with Cassandra and Leliana and laugh.~~

The two other people I’ve met aren’t that bad in all honesty. Varric just seems like the permanently drunk uncle type while Sole-ass ahem, Solas looks like my 8th-grade math teacher lost his glasses and spontaneously grew elf ears. And, you know, gained the Scottish accent (is it Scottish?) 

Anyway, bald egg mystic visited and tried to get me to do something other than setting things on fire and it turns out that lightning and fire can and will singe eyebrows and burn noses without completely frying someone given the right incentive. At least fire can warm people up mister “I do magic-y things in a mystical green portal to hell”.

I’m going to get some real food other than the shit-show stew that they served. They don’t have noodles, spice is hella rare and I’m going to get scurvy if I don’t see fruit in the next few hours. I’ve heard that they have spices here (Antivan=Spanish?) (Orlesian=French?)

I really don’t know what I’m doing. I can find my way out of the village and back on my way to the coast but squinty-red keeps on sending people to drag me back. The wilds were better than this. I’m going to try again, and this time, I’m going to escape.

Update: Got out, one of her agents knocked me out. Woke in grumpy fur scarf man’s tent and he has orders to not let me out of his sight. His name is Cullen?He’s like a nicer permanently hungover male version of Ass-andra ahem Cassandra. Food is still terrible. He’s expected to guide me back through this little shitty hovel of a village to where I sleep because people will get nervous when I light any more things on fire. Jokes on them I’m going to annoy the shit out of this man and anyone else they throw at me till they either kill me or let me fucking leave.

Extra: I tried setting the tent on fire and got knocked out by something that felt like knocking me out through a blow to the head mixed with being absolutely fucking freezing. It was so, so cold and I will burn everything and everyone if I have to experience that ever again. That moment in Harry Potter with the dementors? Yeah, exactly like that with the despair and the feeling that you’ll never be warm again with the added bonus of someone armed with a pointy silver tabby stick ready to stab my liver. I fucking hate this

Cullen apologized though and spent time fussing over me even when I told him to fucking stop because he’s already done fucking enough. Fucking hell doesn’t anyone here understand personal space and “fuck off”? I guess the fuck not.

.

.

.

For the three days the herald was unconscious, Cassandra truly regretted her rough treatment of the Herald. The way that his angry stature and scathing filthy words crumpled into nothing but a bruised young man on the cusp of adulthood is something that she will never forget. 

For those three days, there was relative peace. The dead could be counted and recorded, the injured were saved or buried, and the remaining supplies documented and distributed the spooked populace. And then the Herald woke up. Screaming in rage in an incomprehensible language and making an escape attempt to swiftly that even Leliana’s agents were hard-pressed to keep up with him on foot.

But now, now, Cassandra really Really wishes that she could throttle the brat. It’s enough that the idiot set herself, Varric, and the pride demon on fire while attempting to seal the rift during their first meeting, but otherwise? In the week following the partial closing of the rift, the little idiot managed to:

a: Set several village inhabitants on fire

b: Set parts of Haven on fire

c: Set Cullen’s post on fire

d: Make several almost successful attempts to escape Haven

e: Alienate the local chantry and set the building on fire

At this point, the successes were marked by how many hours maintained in-between the Herald setting people or objects on fire in Haven. Since the partial sealing, the healers had advised her to rest and avoid stress to recuperate strength, but at this point, the child is going to cause her a coronary.

.

.

Day 17

Only good thing about this shitty place is that I can get wasted on shitty alcohol in the local dirty tavern. I’m pretty sure I saw a good pinch of hair and other stuff I don’t want to think about in my cup but fuck it, If I’m going to die I might as well live in the time before escaping and fucking off back to the coast.

I got drunk enough that I charred some of my eyebrow and a chunk of my hair trying to burn off the filth from my body. There are no private bathhouses here or showers and being rank is getting on my fucking nerves. I won’t say where the hair was from. I have extremely light burns everywhere and it feels like the first time I took to shaving and discovered razor burn.

I’m at Solas’s cabin because I now have someone monitoring me daily and Elfy is doing his weird try-not-to-laugh thing chuckle. It’s getting on my fucking nerves. Last I saw at the tavern, Varric’s been no help because he’s a fucking hairy ass and laughs it up and tell me that I should just deal with it while Cullen nearly spat out some of his tea when I walked in to bitch about this stuff to him. Is he that much of a prude? Maybe. I nopped the fuck out of there when he started sputtering.

At least I’m clean and relatively okay smelling while they smell like a shitty piss-soaked alley. Or am I becoming smell-blind? Could be a thing. Fuck. 

Escape attempt #4 went further than usual, I got as far as an abandoned mine shaft thingy before one of Leliana’s aids got to me and knocked me out. I set a good 4 of them on fire before the 5th fucking chopped me in the neck. AOE attacks should be good for dealing with that when the time comes. I might as well ask Solas for how to make a barrier out of fire because it doesn’t seem like I’m going to be able to do any magic other than something involving fire or lightning. Fuck. At least fire Pokemon were my favorite.

 

 

 

Update: I have 10 new roommates with me in this sort-of warm room and all of them are elves?


End file.
